Friday night nightmare

Saturday night I had a flash back to my Friday night dream.

Friday night I had woken in a real panic convinced I had ruptured my
knee. Again. It was one of those flinch yourself awake moments that
we've all had except in my dream my knee wrenched and the ligament
snapped.

It was horrible.

Of course it was only a dream but weirdly it was on the anniversary of
my knee operation, something that I had not thought about at all. But
something that was obviously in my subconscious.

true north...

This last fortnight has been a challenging one from a training perspective. Mileage was increasing nicely until another breakdown. This time my glute, my left one which is the leg that was operated on a year ago, almost to today. I had a replacement ACL operation where they took a segment of my left hamstring to make the ligament. I still have a groove down the back of my left hamstring and i guess that my left leg is still weaker than the right. If a leg will break down then its going to be that one. 

When it went i was about 3 miles from home on a 6'ish mile run. I hobbled home on a run walk strategy cursing my bad luck and hoping for good. A bit of Internet research and turns out that glute pain is something that you can train through and is most likely due to a weak core and hips.

I dug out the Swiss ball and re instigated my 100 push-up and 200 sit-ups apps. A few days of that with short runs and while there was initial discomfort i was back up to 8 mile runs pretty soon. 

During this time i reconsidered what i am doing and more importantly the pressure i put myself under. I want to run Ultras. Actually let me rephrase that i am desperate to run an ultra. I want to be part of that gang, i want to test myself and push myself. Yet while i keep breaking down that ambition seems so far away.  I started to consider that maybe i should just become a guy that runs 5-6 miles 3 maybe 4 times a week and is happy with that. I can keep fit without pressure and just enjoy it for what it is. 

I think that the reality is that i won't be happy with that. I'll probably be more miserable than when i am properly injured and cannot do anything. That's where the true north bit comes in. 

I was discussing this with John on our commute earlier this week and he used the term to define what you are truly like. What is your true north? What are you and what makes you happy? What makes you, you?

In my case it's having a target, something to aim for. Something to push myself towards. i may not get there immediately or anytime really soon but i will get there. I admire the people that run recreationally and maybe i wish i could be like them a little bit more. 

But I'm not and that my friends is my true north.